Monthly Archives: November 2016
Are you in love with another man or woman while still being in a relationship with someone? The obvious consequences are an unhappy relationship, adultery and three broken hearts. Quoting the character Earl Smooter from the movie Sweet Home Alabama, “You can’t ride two horses with one ass, sugarbean”. You know you are in a love triangle when you have two suitors of whom there is a preference for one over the other OR when your beloved is in love with someone else. A romantic relationship involving three people can get very messy. You may be in someone’s life and you may have deep admiration and fondness for them. But, you cannot continue this forever. Do you know how to get out of such a situation? Maybe you don’t. Love does switch off a part of your brain and everything becomes so complicated and confusing. It is okay if you don’t know what to do, which is why I have explained the solution from the shoes of all three sides of the triangle.
When You are the ‘Other’ Person
It is always difficult to be the other woman or man in your lover’s life. You don’t enjoy the rights that you should as a partner. Your love gets no acknowledgment before the world. You have to keep it all under the sheets and then even share the love with someone else who rightfully claims their ownership over your lover’s heart. Love makes us do crazy things… even willingly being the ‘other’ person. But, you need to get out of it with or without your lover. Else you will forever be stuck in a rut. Ending such a relationship is not so easy but you need to tell your lover that they can only be on either side. Tell them to either choose you or go back to where they came from. It’s about time you claim what is yours and what you deserve. And once you have made the decision to leave, stay determined because a fickle mind is a battle lost. The grief of separation will be present but if you truly promise to recuperate, you will find yourself in no time in the arms of a lover who respects and loves you unconditionally. You just need to believe in yourself and stop letting your insecurities prevent you from achieving the happiness that you deserve.
When You are in Love with Two People
Are you in love with two people? That is such a complicated situation. You are not with this one completely and you are not with that one either. What are you doing? Being in love with two people is like keeping your heart in a love limbo, a place where you will never be able to move on and enjoy a relationship, be with someone and be sure of it. You are preventing all three of you from moving on. The attention of two lovers is exciting but it serves no good when you cannot fully commit to even one. Not to forget, the guilt of it all that prevents you from having a healthy relationship with either of your lovers. Even if you are secretly in love with the second person and he/she does not know it, don’t even tell. You need to get that person out of your thoughts. Out of sight, out of mind. This is easier than you think it is because every person can control his/her mind. If you cannot, you will remain helpless. You have to choose either of the two people and then decide to be with one of them. Time mends everything and you will see that with time, you will be over the other person before you even know it.
When You are in Love Outside Your Relationship
Even when the general perceptions are that a person cannot fall in love with two people at the same time, our cinema is full of movies based on such themes and circumstances. It does happen in real life too. If you are the person in love with two people, you know it definitely does! It is a love addiction. So, how are you going to get out of this love triangle? You need to make a decision. You are essentially cheating on both your partners and in the process, hurting all three of you. Those who know, may think you are lucky to deserve the love of two people, but, inside your heart you know the complication of your actions that may rock your life, like an explosive storm suddenly, any day. Aren’t you just tired already of shuttling and hiding your affair? The tension of getting caught may be giving you the thrills, but you cannot act so selfishly especially towards the people you love. You have to let one of them go, don’t delay that decision. Now is the time, not later. You will end up hurting one of them but at least you will let them go and get the love of one person wholly.
You may make your choices based on the circumstances in your life. You love both of them but, now, you will have the chance to give all your love to one person just the way they give it to you. Stick to your decision and vow never to repeat your mistake again. Love affairs can turn very ugly and end up in grotesque crimes. Get out of it before it comes and gets you!
When You Find Out about your Partner’s Infidelity
Nothing can kill you more than knowing that the one you love so dearly is not even in love with you. Worse, he/she loves someone else. You may feel betrayed and foolish. What are you going to do now about this situation? The best thing to do is to accept the truth and confront your partner on it. If you keep mum about it or pretend to be blind, you will make yourself fall harder into a pit of pain. You will also unwillingly encourage your partner to continue with such kind of behavior. Are you willing to stay in this relationship and make it work? Then, first, ask your partner what he/she wants. Give them an ultimatum that you expect their answer by a certain period. Give yourself time too and do not communicate. If you want to work it out, do not admit unless your partner does and tells you that they are willing to mend their ways. Start afresh. Is that not the option for you? Vent your anger on him and express your disappointment, then, try to get over the breakup.
Even in this mean and shrewd world, where practicality takes over emotions when it comes to making a decision, especially a relationship decision, there are couples who are living a content life with their partners who are inevitably their soulmates. While some (no less than a handful) have found the love of their lives, some of us are still looking with a candle light, the flame of which brightens and diminishes from time to time. Have you ever given it a thought that maybe, just maybe, you’ve already met your soulmate and are still trying to convince yourself that you haven’t come across him/her? Go through the following signs to understand what we’re trying to say.
Your first meeting doesn’t seem to be the first
All of us have been through the perplexity of a first meeting. The nervousness, consciousness, and the constant effort to hold yourself back in order to form a good first impression …, taxing, isn’t it? But this doesn’t happen with everybody. We’re sure that many of you would have had these meetings where meeting this person for the first time made you feel that you guys have known each other for a long time. The comfort level established made both of you be your true selves in front of each other, without any form of pretense, without making you feel like you need to hold your thoughts to yourself. Do you recall anyone who made you feel this way?
You complete each other’s thoughts
Have you had this moment where you thought of the person and he/she calls you? Or, you both pick up the phone to call each other at the same time? Also, has it ever happened that you were humming this song in your mind since morning and this other person also has the same thing going in his/her mind? Even during a conversation, you end up starting a sentence and this potential soulmate ends up finishing it, as if you two have the power to read each other’s thoughts! Adding further to this, we have also seen cases where one partner felt a strong craving for sweets and that very day the other sends him/her a box of chocolates. While you may call it all a coincidence, we call it a sign!
There is something beyond logic that attracts you toward each other
We all tend to choose a partner, provided he or she fulfills certain predetermined conditions. For example, he/she should be attractive, well-dressed, well-spoken, equipped to be a part of our social circle, blah, blah, blah! Therefore, if we meet a person that fulfills all these criteria, it is logical to get attracted towards him or her. However, in many cases, a strong attraction has been observed toward each other, irrespective of the fact if the conditions are fulfilled or not. While our logic may tell us to look for a better-looking option, or someone with a larger bank-balance, we happily choose to avoid our logic and feel pulled towards this person. What the mind has failed to spot, the soul has recognized!
Your timings, understanding, chemistry is supernal
We all have this inner side to our personalities, a side that we seldom show to the outer world, a side that not everyone in our lives can understand. However, we can totally show this side to our soulmate without having to worry about being judged. Not only this, the chemistry between you and your soulmate is absolutely splendid, something that cannot be felt with anyone else. You both can understand each other’s silence; that look that seems normal to others conveys your soulmate what you’re thinking. Not only this, this person knows exactly when you want to be left alone, or, when you want to be held tightly. While all this may sound very mushy, but yes, there are bonds that are so strong. Perhaps, you too have felt this at some point in time? If not, maybe you will, very soon.
You two may differ otherwise, but your core values match perfectly
Being soulmates doesn’t mean that you two will be the exact copy of each other. There will invariably be certain differences in the way you function. You may not see eye-to-eye when it comes to your hobbies, preferences, favorite books, music, etc., but at the end of the day, your plans in life, your ultimate soul path, your core values by which you live, would be quite the same. This is what will make your union worth it, as both of your souls are destined to undertake the same journey, and you two are meant to help each other evolve and fulfill your karmic quest.
You feel alive, happy, content, at peace, with each other
We have already mentioned earlier that it is not necessary that the two of you will have all ups and no downs. However, in the midst of the arguments, minor differences, and issues, you in a way, come to realize that there is no one else who makes you feel so happy, alive, and content than this person. Let us put it this way: You two may try to look everywhere else, be with different people, experiment, explore, part, come back, but all this will only conclude that no one brings the sparkle in your eyes and the happiness to your soul like this person.
You have an intuitive frequency tuned with this person
You wake up one day and all you can do is get a strange feeling in your heart regarding this person. You don’t want to come off as a nagging partner/friend, but some unexplainable intuition tells you that something is not right. Finally, after ceasing to hold back, you call him/her and find out that something was actually not right! It feels as if you (or you both) are tuned to each other’s lives. That there is some power that informs you of each other when you guys are not together. This connection happens only with those who are karmically connected to our lives, our soulmate being one of them.
There is no pretense; this person loves YOU for who you are!
One of the most common statement that we come across during break-ups and divorces is, “He/she is not the person we married. He/she pretended to be someone he/she is not.” The thing is, that when two people come together to get some form of gain, to use, manipulate, or exploit the other, pretense is an inevitable part of the relationship. However, no matter how good someone is at pretending, eventually, the true colors show. Another thing is that people are not that blind or stupid these days, so as to not be able to differentiate genuine feelings from the un-genuine ones. You may not be in the best of shape, be it physically or mentally, but this person will always be supportive and caring, only because he or she loves you for who you are.
It begins to feel that living life is impossible without his/her presence
Having met someone so crucial, it is natural to feel this way, to feel that life cannot be sustained without the presence of this person. Whether you realize this or not, but with time, this person becomes your habit, a necessity. You welcome the love, arguments, make-ups after fights, and days of not talking to each other, but, at the end of the day, you want this person in your life. In fact, many soulmates term this attraction as friendship. While friendship is the onset of love and companionship, only time tells that this ethereal bond of theirs is related to the soul.
Your gut feeling tells that you have found your soulmate!
At the end of it all, it comes down to this―what does your gut feeling say about this? What you share with this person, is it something that is normal? If one day you replace this person with another good friend, would it be the same? The support, loyalty, understanding, and devotion of this person to help you become a better human being is something that you will not find in anyone else. Just speak to your gut feeling, engage in the questions and answers, and focus on the identification signs. If you see a Yes emerging from within, you have found your soulmate!
1: Respect Her Need for Some Space
Your ability to give out space is what will remove the clingy tag from your demeanor, and yes, we know it wouldn’t be a piece of cake for you! First off, you need to identify what makes you so cling-ish with her. Is it because you don’t trust her, you have nothing else to do other than being with her, or you just don’t see the reason to be apart? Whatever it is, nullify all your thoughts that make you sport clingy-ness.
The blatant truth is that the more clingy you are, the more likely she will leave you and eventually find someone who isn’t like you. Yes, there may have been a time when she said “you are the best”, but it was till you showed your needy self to her. Even the best things of life get too much to handle if supplied in excess. Spare her from getting your overdose.
2: Focus On Your Interests
Love seems to overtake our existence, and everything else takes a backseat. That is what creates a problem. You get engrossed in her s-o-o-o-o much that it becomes difficult for you to focus on anything else. While there are some girls that kinda like that, not all girls are the same. In fact, these days, irrespective of the gender, nobody wants a partner who is there ALL the time.
At times, distance is what keeps things more interesting, and it is during that distance that you must focus on grooming yourself to be a better person. If you haven’t touched that guitar for a long time, tune it up again. How long has it been since you went to play snooker with your boys? Have you always wanted to see those irresistible six-pack abs on you? Well, make yourself a better person in your own eyes, and see how it will sparkle your relationship as well.
3: Have Faith in Her, and Be Confident in Your Relationship
At times, trusting a person is the utmost form of caring. Perhaps you would say, “It is not the trust, but the need to be together, and if there is nothing to hide, there is no reason to be away.” Well, that’s not how all human psyche works. To her, this nature of yours is probably shouting S-M-O-T-H-E-R-I-N-G. She might also think that you are always spying on her because you don’t trust her, and no relationship has ever thrived without trust. Perhaps it is your insecurity, maybe you feel you aren’t good enough for her, or that she will get attracted to someone better than you.
All this behavior eventually leads to the need of building confidence, both in yourself, in her, and this union of yours. There is no need to check her messages, social networks, and e-mails; if she has to cheat, she will do it invariably, but your cop-like behavior will compel her to run away from you, even if she didn’t mean to, in the first place. Give her your faith, some space, but let her know that you’ll be there when she calls out for you.
4: Make a Social Circle of Your Own
We have seen several cases where guys (and even girls) make a puppy face and say that they have nothing (or no one) else to get involved in other than being in the company of their partner. If that’s what you do, know that it ain’t a turn on for her, and who knows, in the long run, she might just end up taking you for granted! If your life revolves around her and only her, this is a step you must take, come what may.
Make sure that you have a “genuine” social circle of your own. If you have not been in touch with your school, college, or office friends for a long time, take an effort to rejoin these groups. Or, pursue an education- or career-related goal. The bottom line is to take your focus off her, to keep your mind occupied in productive things, things that she will be proud of, things that will pave way for a bright and prosperous future ahead, for the both of you.
5: Identify When You’re Getting Needy
It’s not that things will change instantly once you start working on them; it will definitely take some time, and you’ll have a bit of struggle to deal with. If it has become an obsession, a habit, a must-do to be around your girl, check on her off and on, “browse” through her social networking and other profiles, then learn to stop when you’re tempted to go down that road.
Tell yourself that all this will ultimately take her further away from you. Stop finding unreasonable reasons to call or text her. You don’t have to check her Facebook wall because you’re getting bored, and there is no need to get all jittery and panicky if she hasn’t communicated with you for some time. Once you start identifying the signs of your clingy behavior, you would consciously take efforts to keep them at bay.
6: Ask Her Assistance in Your Endeavor
If it’s out in the open, and she has confronted you of being too clingy, or if you realize that you haven’t been the chilled-out boyfriend she expected you to be, then it will be a good start to admit to her of your realization. Tell her that you are well aware of this clingy issue that has been going on, and that you’re willing to work on it. Your honesty will not only earn you brownie points, but will also fetch you the essential support of your partner.
Start off by addressing your issues with her and patiently listen to her issues with you. Evaluate where things go wrong, and where does the sweet and loving boyfriend in you become a clingy spy. If your effort seems genuine to her and if she remembers the reason she fell in love with you, she will definitely help you. And most importantly, she will know that you genuinely care for her and this relationship.
7: To Care is Not to ALWAYS Be There
“I’ll be there for you” sounds great, perhaps they are the perfect words to let another know that you care, but you don’t have to take everything so literally! To let go of the clingy tag, make sure that your love and care is reflected in forms that don’t involve a constant you. A once-in-a-week romantic outing is fine, but to show that you are giving her the space she needs, ensure that you encourage her to spend some time with her friends, to get involved in hobbies and activities that intrigue her, and at the end of the day, let her come to you on her own, sharing her thoughts about the day, about her “me time”, when you guys are having your “we time”.
Trust me, if you abide by them, the storm will pass by peacefully and also leave behind a workable solution of the issue at hand.
Deal with the Problem and Finish it
Any argument that is left unfinished will keep on lingering and will disrupt your routine quality of life. Ideally, an argument should not have a life span of more than 24 hours, and yes, I strongly believe in the age-old belief that you should not carry grudges on to the next day. Finish and bury them before going to bed. (Say sorry, in case you are required to end the argument!)
Stick to the Point
Always keep in mind the point due to which the argument started. In the heat of the moment, never wander away from the main point. No old grudges or sore issues from the past should be dragged in the conversation if it doesn’t belong to that particular discussion. Mark boundaries around a subject, and stick to it.
Avoid Foul Language
Foul language includes every verbal gesture that degrades the value of the other person. Name calling, insulting, blaming, criticizing, cursing, or even shouting for that matter can be included in foul language. Ensure that you maintain your partner’s dignity, and clearly steer away from any sort of character assassination.
Control Your Pitch
Every issue that you state need not have a “high importance” tag attached to it. You don’t have to yell every time you want to put forth a point. Yelling is usually subjective. What sounds as yelling to your partner may sound normal to you. You may think that your pitch is still bearable while your partner may think otherwise.
If It Becomes Overwhelming, Take a Break
When the fight reaches a boiling point and your heartbeats start racing, it’s time for you to take a break and withdraw yourself. But this withdrawal should not be a trick to leave the argument midway. You should always inform your partner that after you cool down, you will return and finish the argument. During the break, do anything that you find to be a stress buster. Playing with your pet, reading your favorite book, listening to calming music, or doing just anything to get your perspective back can work wonders. A break of 20 to 30 minutes is enough to regain composure.
Let Your Partner Speak
The argument should be mutual, and the conversation should be a dialog — not a monologue. It should be kept in mind that your partner also gets an equal chance to voice an opinion. So, whenever you are speaking (not yelling!) and your partner interrupts, you should hold your talk and listen (not just hear). Another sub-rule that applies here is “listening with concentration.” It means that when the other person is talking, you should avoid distractions, like texting, watching TV, or planning a counterattack. Make as much eye contact as far as possible. If this dictum gets overruled by any party, then there are chances that the conversation may lose its focus. (Remember rule 2?)
Ditch the Silence
Speak up! Don’t give your partner the silent treatment. It’s like playing a game with your partner, and it would only make things more complicated. Suddenly becoming silent in the middle of an argument would send a signal that you are not interested in the argument and are trying to end it. It will give rise to a fresh topic for your partner to argue upon, because now the feelings of resentment would have increased in intensity.
No Blame Game
Using statements that start with “I” rather than “you” will keep the other person from becoming defensive. If your point of argument is that your partner is not helping you enough in the routine household chores, then rather than saying “You never help me with the chores”, it would sound better if you say “I would like it if you would wash the dishes at least 3 times in a week.” Now, see the difference! It is highly recommended that you use statements like “I think” and “I feel” instead of starting the sentence with “you.”
No Comparisons Please!
The worst generalization that you can give your partner is “you are just like your mother.” No other statement can ever beat this comparison. Involving opinions of other people can also be considered as comparison. For example: “Mac’s sister agrees with me”, or “Jane also thinks that you are careless with money.” The only opinions that should matter and be considered relevant are those of the two, who are arguing. Speak your mind rather than agreeing with and repeating what others have said.
Practice Apology, Peace, and Love
These three words are golden when it comes to maintaining a relationship. Saying sorry if required will not only boost your ego but also will make you feel proud that you showed the maturity to back off. It shows that you value the relationship more than your victory in the argument. I’m sure your partner will accept your apology and appreciate the gesture. In turn, he/she would give his/her own peace offering, thus bringing down the heat of the argument. If you both have still not arrived at a workable compromise, don’t worry. At least, you both have regained perspective. Now you can talk (this time only talk — that too peacefully; don’t jump into a second round of argument) all over again.
No Public Display of Aggression
Please do not post updates on social networking sites! (they are not your diary). It is highly (and strictly) recommended that you should curb the urge of updating your social network with what’s going on in your personal life. There may be some people in your friends’ list who may interpret your comment (or the sappy song you posted) in an inappropriate way and spread the grapevine that “you two are breaking up.” This can be damaging and may spoil your social reputation. You never know the consequences.
Last but not the least, no fighting if either of you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
To sum up, I would say that set some ground rules before starting an exchange. You might apply all the rules given above, delete a few, edit a few, and add a few according to your requirements. Just concentrate on conflict resolution because when that happens, both of you win.